Tag Archives: motherhood

I came to my senses about my ‘me’ status

I had many hopes and dreams for what motherhood, parenthood and having a child would be like.  I’m certain I’ve made many a’ people chuckle at them all.  No one laughed harder than I did today.  I came to the realization that I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t going to be myself for a while and I was going to be ok with it.  I’ve come to figure out my identity will lie solely in my connection with my child and his future.

As any other parent can agree, we get our best thinking done either in the shower or right as we are about to fall asleep.  I specify the shower as going to the bathroom is no longer a sacred moment; in fact, that’s the time when Lucas needs me the most!  And just as our eyes finally give in to the great sensation that is ‘closed’, that fantastic stuff you forgot all day decides to rush in like the Niagara Falls.  But anyway, back to the greatest times for self-realization and parental research.

I’m standing in the shower today trying to put together the makings of this fine day (at 3pm!).  The child only had 1 mini meltdown; all other tantrums were defused.  He was cuddly, enjoyed everything I gave him to eat, smiled and laughed while playing with his toys and actually had a few breather breaks to catch a glimpse of whatever Sprout TV was offering.  There were two things I learned about what made this day successful: The ‘counting to 10’ technique works great for adults AND children and that I need to just sit and ‘smell the roses’ a bit more around the house.  The child is teaching me the one thing I’ve had trouble with for a long time: patience.

I’m a multi-tasker on all levels and at all times.  In fact, as I write this blog, I’m listening for the washer to finish so I can throw Lucas’ clothes in the dryer, I’m contemplating what leftovers I’ll reheat for dinner AND I’m curious what Christmas shows are on tonight.  Even while I sleep, I think I usually have a couple different dreams going on.  I was this way lloonngg before becoming a parent and it has truly gotten worse since having Lucas.  As I always say, all things in life in moderation.  This even applies to multi-tasking.  I came to see that a lot of Lucas’ tantrums were due to me being distracted by some things that could wait.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when Lucas is being greedy and I distract him with a book or toy to try to get him to understand that this particular phone call or task just can’t wait.  But I’m learning to prioritize a bit better when it comes to those ‘particulars’.  That’s what made today the great success; the only ‘me’ things I did today was set up our kitchen counter with emergency items we might need if the power went out and I occasionally fed myself and got coffee.  Lucas reminds me of a cat: he only gets needy when I’m actually doing something.  So I stop doing stuff and he played nice all day.  While I know it’s not the end of a great, lifelong battle, but it was a tremendous eye opener and leap forward to understand how to negotiate the toddler years at Marner Manor.

The life of a parent is measured almost the same as the career of an Olympian: You train hard all your life, you win here and there, you cry, smile, laugh, sweat and are exhausted, but by the time you retire, you look back and enjoy the trials.  You understand that even in those tough moments when there was never enough wine or Xanax to make the world right, you stuck through it all and you survived; might have a few battle wounds, but hey, you made it and you get to retire, hopefully, comfortably.

I’m becoming ok with my name no longer being ‘Chrystal’ but being ‘Lucas’ Mom’.  I still have lofty goals and dreams for myself, but those are some of those ‘particulars’ that can wait for Lucas to get his bearings in life

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I need to invest in what I already have

It came to me today like a meteor hitting Earth (we all know it’s going to happen; we will go the way of the dinosaurs 😉 ).  After shopping a slew of people to get a grown up outing, I tend to forget I have another adult in my house.  Noah has never been one to drink at home unless we were having a get together.  Not certain why but maybe it’s for the best; Chrystal has not been too reliable in the past in the responsibility department.

As many know, Noah and I are not the picture perfect couple.  We are rolling with Henry and Alice Mitchell now but before we were definitely Sid and Nancy (this is no joke).  I think that since I got used to close to a decade of this behavior, there are still traces of it in my logic.  I used to live on everyone else’s outings besides building time with Noah.  Now that we have to be home with Lucas all the time (trust me, it’s not that bad, but a break every so often is nice), I want to build back on why we kept sticking it out with each other and eventually finding it in us to get married.  I remember telling my cousin over our Indiana Christmas trip that I don’t know how Noah and I are together as we never really had a ‘falling in love’ story, we were merely victims of circumstance.  She said something that just blew me away; ‘That’s how it is, man.  That’s how it happens’.  MIND….BLOWN!  She was right, that’s exactly how it is.  Everyone says if you let them go and they come back to you, it was meant to be.  We are proof of such a phrase.

We are slowly going down a slippery slope and I need to get us out (as since when are men the ones to initiate anything, right?!).  We are falling down the comfortable road; he has to be in his office often for work, but really he just keeps finding new computer games; I get addicted to a new show on Netflix or Antenna TV and I’m in my sweats by 6:30pm; we go to bed at 9:15, kiss each other and roll over.  You would think once the newness of parenthood dusted off, we would be ready to invest in ‘us’ time again.  WRONG!  You are just glad to get sleep and ‘you’ time away from your child who is pissed about his struggle with independence.  I’m pretty certain children is why marriage counseling was started.  You just don’t know how your marriage fits once you have a child.  This is pretty much why we are good with one; we are still semi-selfish when it comes to our marriage and to us, inserting another child is just another batch of selfishness we are not wanting to give up.  It takes certain kinds of parents to handle multiples and we are not those people.

So I think now, since I can’t get people to invest in me as their friend, I’ll just start shopping babysitters.  They tend to be more giving with their time since you pay them.  Babysitters are cheaper than marriage counselors, right?  This awkward friend concept also had me talking with Noah over the weekend about a move out of the PNW.  Noah and I just never found our niche with people here and I know a great many reasons why.  We discussed how his job could work it out, when that could happen and when would be best for our family as a whole.  We will not be returning to Indiana, but we will be closer to there.  I breathed a great sigh of relief to know that I won’t be doing the ‘dating scene for friends’ thing forever.  My doc told me that finding friends is just like dating, it takes forever to find people worth investing time in.

Until that time, I’ll just make ‘friends’ out of babysitters and invest in being a grown up woman again with my husband.

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This Mama is hurting-Momodcasts

I break down on several different topics… iTunes listener or non-iTunes listener

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IMBHO… My Mommy Style

It’s difficult for me to watch/read the news, especially when it applies to children.  Not always what is happening to the children, but the great disservice many parents are doing.   What I mean is these parents not giving the children the support, discipline, guidance, values and morals they need from a parent.  Or maybe they coddle or ‘beat around the bush’ when it comes to just being a parent.  If you are going to have a child, you shape all aspects of them and you need to keep that in mind when you bring a life into the world.

I, for one, am against coddling.  I am direct with both my husband and our son.  I don’t want Lucas to be confused on what to expect from me or Noah or what is expected of him in any scenario he concocts.   Now, I love my son and he gets tons of my attention, but I rarely baby talk him (I usually use that to patronize him, that’s just a ‘me’ thing, folks) and I’m always blunt about everything that is going on, what he should be doing, what I’m doing, etc.  I let my son be a kid, but I don’t let him do whatever he wants.  He gets structure from the jump.

Why people shy away from being direct with their children I’ll never understand.  I am a believer in a great deal of society’s moral and value issues stemming from lack of involved parenting.  I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND that society is very busy bodied and always on the run, but that should never be a reason as to why you are not involved in your child’s life.  While it takes a village to raise a child, you, the parent, are the village leader; don’t be the village idiot when it comes to being the parent of your child.

Being a parent is not easy!  But it’s not hard either.  It’s a lot of using your gut or common sense and going with the love you have for your child.  And if you can’t be selfless, you are in the wrong business, my dear.  While I’m embracing some liberal beliefs, I still stick true to some conservative beliefs when it comes to the rearing of my child.  I’m pretty certain I was probably married to John Wayne in my past life; if that gives you some idea as to how life goes around this house.

I don’t expect anyone or everyone to agree with how I parent and I don’t always agree with your parenting style, BUT I FIRMLY do not agree with parents who just let their children do what they want or let them run their own lives.  Children (and some adults) are just not capable of running their own lives and need our guidance.   Be sure you are giving your children the greatest advantage in life and that’s by being a parent, not a friend.

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