Category Archives: Everything Buddy

I came to my senses about my ‘me’ status

I had many hopes and dreams for what motherhood, parenthood and having a child would be like.  I’m certain I’ve made many a’ people chuckle at them all.  No one laughed harder than I did today.  I came to the realization that I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t going to be myself for a while and I was going to be ok with it.  I’ve come to figure out my identity will lie solely in my connection with my child and his future.

As any other parent can agree, we get our best thinking done either in the shower or right as we are about to fall asleep.  I specify the shower as going to the bathroom is no longer a sacred moment; in fact, that’s the time when Lucas needs me the most!  And just as our eyes finally give in to the great sensation that is ‘closed’, that fantastic stuff you forgot all day decides to rush in like the Niagara Falls.  But anyway, back to the greatest times for self-realization and parental research.

I’m standing in the shower today trying to put together the makings of this fine day (at 3pm!).  The child only had 1 mini meltdown; all other tantrums were defused.  He was cuddly, enjoyed everything I gave him to eat, smiled and laughed while playing with his toys and actually had a few breather breaks to catch a glimpse of whatever Sprout TV was offering.  There were two things I learned about what made this day successful: The ‘counting to 10’ technique works great for adults AND children and that I need to just sit and ‘smell the roses’ a bit more around the house.  The child is teaching me the one thing I’ve had trouble with for a long time: patience.

I’m a multi-tasker on all levels and at all times.  In fact, as I write this blog, I’m listening for the washer to finish so I can throw Lucas’ clothes in the dryer, I’m contemplating what leftovers I’ll reheat for dinner AND I’m curious what Christmas shows are on tonight.  Even while I sleep, I think I usually have a couple different dreams going on.  I was this way lloonngg before becoming a parent and it has truly gotten worse since having Lucas.  As I always say, all things in life in moderation.  This even applies to multi-tasking.  I came to see that a lot of Lucas’ tantrums were due to me being distracted by some things that could wait.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when Lucas is being greedy and I distract him with a book or toy to try to get him to understand that this particular phone call or task just can’t wait.  But I’m learning to prioritize a bit better when it comes to those ‘particulars’.  That’s what made today the great success; the only ‘me’ things I did today was set up our kitchen counter with emergency items we might need if the power went out and I occasionally fed myself and got coffee.  Lucas reminds me of a cat: he only gets needy when I’m actually doing something.  So I stop doing stuff and he played nice all day.  While I know it’s not the end of a great, lifelong battle, but it was a tremendous eye opener and leap forward to understand how to negotiate the toddler years at Marner Manor.

The life of a parent is measured almost the same as the career of an Olympian: You train hard all your life, you win here and there, you cry, smile, laugh, sweat and are exhausted, but by the time you retire, you look back and enjoy the trials.  You understand that even in those tough moments when there was never enough wine or Xanax to make the world right, you stuck through it all and you survived; might have a few battle wounds, but hey, you made it and you get to retire, hopefully, comfortably.

I’m becoming ok with my name no longer being ‘Chrystal’ but being ‘Lucas’ Mom’.  I still have lofty goals and dreams for myself, but those are some of those ‘particulars’ that can wait for Lucas to get his bearings in life

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Ch..Ch..Ch..Ch..Changes

Do you ever wish you could find a way to keep your eyes from blinking so you don’t miss the life that’s passing by?  Every day seems to be a realization that I’m progressing forward at such a rapid rate and I’m not really sure how I feel about it sometimes.  While I’m so excited that Buddy is moving on to toddlerhood, I’m just blown away by where Noah and I are in life.  We are married, he has a very successful/stable career, we are home owners, we talk about health/life/home/car insurance regularly, I’m a stay at home mom, I ENJOY grocery shopping, we are working on home improvements, we attend church services and functions regularly and we don’t go out partying much anymore.  While I no longer know who we are since we evolved so rapidly, I’m growing more fond of us every day.

I love me, us, our family and the thought of us being ‘The Marners’.  While the time to get to this point was not exactly smooth sailing, it built a lot of character in us and that’s what you have to take those kinds of times for.  I can’t get over how pumped I am about painting this weekend.  Um, what?!  I will inform you, this is my first time ever painting.  Noah and I never painted anything (except for the bar I cleaned up) and from what I’ve heard, this is definitely either a marriage builder or breaker.  We’ve had a lot of character building in the past year so eh, what can a little painting do?

If someone who reads this figures out the ‘keeping the eyes open’ thing, I’m really interested.  Particularly DIY-style as I’m mega cheap.  Again, I’m looking for any of your tips in regards to painting walls, painting trim, painting cabinets, applying mosaic back splash and putting up pre-treated wood fences.  I will always be a DIY-er so the more the tips apply that way, the more excited I’m going to be!

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So I’m a mother to an 11 month old copy cat

I always wanted to be a mom; some people have it in them, some people do not.  I always hid my intentions as I didn’t think it would ever happen to us.  Then, almost a year ago,  I went through what I thought was going to be the worst of it.  Yeah right!  Giving birth is the easiest part!  Last time I checked, that, too, was never mentioned in any class, parenting book or from one of those moms that doesn’t hesitate to share how her child is excelling in everything your child is not.  But, then just as quickly as this all began, I woke up from the blur and I have this awesome little dude who talks back to me.

Now he’s almost walking on his own, he ‘repeats’ everything we say and he has more sass than most people I know!  He’s a beautiful blend of my husband and I.  11 months ago, I never thought we would be here.  And I’m actually sad that his cuddly baby days are numbered.  But I was right when I said ‘Noah & I are not baby people; we are toddler people’.  I’m really excited to move on to that chapter with Lucas.  While I loved nurturing and being a watchful new mom, I’m ready to explore this world from a toddler’s perspective.  I know some parents pride themselves in ‘helicopter parenting’; sorry, not I, my friend.  While I want to put Lucas in a bubble so he doesn’t keep infecting my husband and I with bizarre viruses and hospitalizing us, I really want him to see the world for all it has to offer, good and bad.

Lucas Jay, I want you to know that while you were the greatest grief I’ve ever experienced in so many ways, you are and will always be the pride and joy we hoped you would be!  While there are a couple things I could mention that would disappoint your father and I if you ever did (I don’t want to even put them in your head), I hope you know that your father and I will always be proud of you and support you.  It’s what we do as parents!  We can’t wait to celebrate with you and all our friends and family in a month the year long journey you have experienced.  While I know it wasn’t perfect, we will never be someone’s idea of perfect, but dang it!  we have always been so happy!  You just keep being your awesome self, man!

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IMBHO… My Mommy Style

It’s difficult for me to watch/read the news, especially when it applies to children.  Not always what is happening to the children, but the great disservice many parents are doing.   What I mean is these parents not giving the children the support, discipline, guidance, values and morals they need from a parent.  Or maybe they coddle or ‘beat around the bush’ when it comes to just being a parent.  If you are going to have a child, you shape all aspects of them and you need to keep that in mind when you bring a life into the world.

I, for one, am against coddling.  I am direct with both my husband and our son.  I don’t want Lucas to be confused on what to expect from me or Noah or what is expected of him in any scenario he concocts.   Now, I love my son and he gets tons of my attention, but I rarely baby talk him (I usually use that to patronize him, that’s just a ‘me’ thing, folks) and I’m always blunt about everything that is going on, what he should be doing, what I’m doing, etc.  I let my son be a kid, but I don’t let him do whatever he wants.  He gets structure from the jump.

Why people shy away from being direct with their children I’ll never understand.  I am a believer in a great deal of society’s moral and value issues stemming from lack of involved parenting.  I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND that society is very busy bodied and always on the run, but that should never be a reason as to why you are not involved in your child’s life.  While it takes a village to raise a child, you, the parent, are the village leader; don’t be the village idiot when it comes to being the parent of your child.

Being a parent is not easy!  But it’s not hard either.  It’s a lot of using your gut or common sense and going with the love you have for your child.  And if you can’t be selfless, you are in the wrong business, my dear.  While I’m embracing some liberal beliefs, I still stick true to some conservative beliefs when it comes to the rearing of my child.  I’m pretty certain I was probably married to John Wayne in my past life; if that gives you some idea as to how life goes around this house.

I don’t expect anyone or everyone to agree with how I parent and I don’t always agree with your parenting style, BUT I FIRMLY do not agree with parents who just let their children do what they want or let them run their own lives.  Children (and some adults) are just not capable of running their own lives and need our guidance.   Be sure you are giving your children the greatest advantage in life and that’s by being a parent, not a friend.

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Stand by your man

And I did just that.  I knew one day I would find myself taking care of my husband in a great time of need, but I thought a) it would be when it was time for his next kidney transplant and b) it would be later in life; not before he was 30.  But we are the Murphy’s Law couple and we keep putting that to the ultimate test.

A little over 3 weeks ago, my son got a pretty nasty cold and passed it on to me.  Once I was over it, we thought it has completely missed my husband.  Boy were we ever wrong!  Apparently we had contracted a virus called CMV.  For most people with a normal immune system, this lovely thing causes minimal symptoms or even just goes dormant.  But for people like Noah with a suppressed immune system, it wreaks MASSIVE havoc on you and you end up in the hospital taking meds that have to be given to you through a midline and come in chemotherapy bags.  Yeah, it’s been an interesting week of caring for my husband in a hospital while sadly dropping my son off with different people every day.  Lucas did GREAT with each and every person and that was the greatest thing I could ask for.

A lot of people kept mentioning how stressed I must be or worn out I must feel.  I didn’t feel any of that.  My husband needed medical help; I didn’t think twice about getting him that.  In fact, I really didn’t think much about what I was doing.  I just wanted the man I love to not be in the pain he was in so I did EVERYTHING I could to make him comfortable.  The only thing that really tore me up was not having daily interaction with our son as a family.  I hurt every morning and every night when I was only spending an hour at a time with our son while I was spending 12 hours a day at a hospital getting my husband to try and mend and driving up and down the dreaded 405 S-curve.  I just wanted my family as a whole again.

Finally, a week after my husband was admitted to the hospital, he was released and I brought him home after an extensive training regarding his at home care and administering his meds.  It was the one wish I wanted for my birthday and I find myself tearing up just thinking that at 27, turning 28, I had grown into this wife and mom who could care less about what I actually DID on my birthday; I just wanted my family to be with me.  I will always stand by my men as they make me the best ‘me’….

My greatest treasures

 

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If only he could be with them everyday.

When you think of grandparents, what is the first trait that comes to mind?  I always think of those cartoons that show grandmothers baking cookies and grandfathers giving the grandkids all the things the parents won’t give them.  Those scenarios are usually followed by a ‘don’t tell your parents’ or if the grandparents are actually caught by the parents, they say ‘sshhh, go away!  They can have whatever they want!’.  Me, personally, I could not wait for these things to happen.

With Lucas becoming more interactive, his grandparents just eat it up!  They do everything with him, give him everything and they wish they had more arms to squeeze him.  The only down side to all of this is how often it gets to happen.  We knew when we moved away from Indiana in 2007 that we would be sacrificing time with our families; yet we never knew that it would be sacrificing so much when Lucas came into our lives.  He really only gets MAYBE two months total in a year of time with them.  It is definitely not what I had envisioned the life for my child would be like.  I remember my grandparents being a very big part of my life growing up and I had hoped the same for our child.  While it’s not a reality at this time, technology has a way of putting a band aid on this ouchie.

Between Facebook and Skype, Lucas knows, and will always know who his family is, near and far.  He gets such a big smile on his face when he sees the laptop get set up for Skype.  He actually doesn’t know what to do when he sees those family members in person!  While I’m not completely certain how I feel about that, it’s truly the only way he can remain close and connected with all his family at this time.  Maybe one day our options will be different, but at this time, we work with what God gives us.

As some of you may know, I lost my father when I was 12 (that whole story will be for a different post) and while it was painful at the time to lose him, I’ve never completely understood the loss until I would hit different milestones.  While my mother has since remarried (to a great guy and a great fit for our family), I still occasionally wish my father could have met my husband and my son.  This post will hopefully be a reminder to those who have your family close to not take them for granted.  They are such a treasure and so helpful that you will hopefully absorb all the time you have with them.  If they offer to help in any way, take them up on it.  You’ll never regret them being there and being apart of your child’s life.

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A Mother’s Tale. Part 3: All you need is love

This may be hard to believe, but there is someone else besides you and your baby.  It was pretty shocking to me as well.  There is your partner and they need you as much as you need them.  To some, this may be an understood principle, but when you have reached a new level of exhaustion and discomfort, being intimate in any sort of way (yeah, the 6 weeks waiting time won’t phase you specifically cause of all the grossness) is almost out of the question.

I definitely didn’t feel like even smooching Noah as he got to see things that even I haven’t seen myself do.  I was also so exhausted from waking up all night and barely napping all day due to breastfeeding (and being the most crazed cleaning lady I have ever seen).  And what I found surprising in all of this, my midwives constantly asked about how I was taking care of my husband.  I was like ‘are you people nuts?!  Who has the time?  The man just watched me get ripped and sliced AND had to clean my tubes out every 2 hours with junk that was almost as bad as what came out of me while I was giving birth!’  But really, Noah needed me just like I needed him.

While I’ve mentioned before, Noah and I had come to terms on what our relationship was when Lucas was originally heard of and that we were gung ho crazy for each other.  I will NEVER recommend anyone having a child to better their relationship, but that’s what Lucas did.  He sort of became our AA sponsor.  We stopped drinking, we stayed in together, we talked about life goals and dreams and just got to know each other on such a deeper level.  That 9 months was the rehab we and our relationship needed.  We needed to bond to help each other in the greatest new chapter of our lives.

After Lucas arrived and all the family had left, it was pretty cool to watch us become our own family.  The way we just understood who took care of what and Noah really stepped it up as a man and a father when I got sick.  While we were gross from lack of sleep, lack of regular eating, constantly in and out of hospitals and doc offices, we still loved being together.  We didn’t get angry with each over petty things and we gave each other a break when one looked more frazzled than the other.  We took turns going out so we could have escapes (if you have family around, try to get in date nights.  We didn’t get our first one until Lucas was 4 months as we waited for my parents to visit) and took turns doing ‘me’ things like reading or playing video games.  Gone are the days of doing cool stuff like that together; somebody has to watch your little babe.

I’m not going to discuss intimacy in detail as everyone has their own take on that.  But remember, to your partner, you haven’t really changed except you may be a little more tired.  They may even fall more in love with you after they watch you become a parent.  Just keep in mind that as much as you need all the support you can get, so does your partner.  They may not have pushed the baby out(or had their body hacked open), but they are still recouping from trying to help you out.  Having a baby is all sorts of difficult, but keeping your partnership alive, loving and well is AGAIN a whole different beast.  You’ll find your own way of making it all work, nobody can tell you what works best.  It’s your love, your life and your family; you know best!  (You’ll hear that a lot in this new adventure; your gut is suddenly a know-it-all)  Congrats and Best Wishes on your new chapter!  Remember: it’s not life changing, it’s life altering.  You will just do everything you did before a little differently.  Much love….

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A Mother’s Tale. Part 2: The Life at Home

I’m not certain how many of you watch the show ‘Up All Night’ but there is an episode where the arrival of their baby is the focus.  At the end of the episode, they show them being discharged from the hospital and the nurse walking them out to the car and checking over their car seat situation.  Once that’s done, the nurse leaves them so they can head home.  My favorite part in this scene is when Christina Applegate says ‘That is very irresponsible of them!’ meaning the nurse staff just leaving them to figure out the rest of the trip.

And this is where the safety net drops out and all that you ‘planned’ to do with your baby as parents comes into play.  We were very fortunate as when we left the hospital, we came home to the grandparents still visiting.  We had a few extra hands helping us the first couple days.  If you can get that sort of help, DO IT!  Don’t try to be a champion and power through it.  Especially if you have had a c-section; you need to take it easy, mama!

When you think about how tough the job of a parent is, think about the life of a newborn.  They really do have it the hardest.  The world is so bright and unfamiliar; they kind of know who you are by sound, but really, they are among strangers.  Their bodies are doing weird things like breathing, digesting, ‘going to the bathroom’, itches, twitches, hearing strange new noises, seeing, and just trying to handle all these things we don’t even think twice about anymore.  Yeah, babies sleep a lot, but it’s because they are overwhelmed by everything.  Lucas cried all the time for a very long time as he was just one of those babies that did not adjust well to life on the outside.  I had to learn how to walk away from him to keep my sanity!  I was told ‘If he’s fed, changed and safe, but still crying, it’s ok to leave them in their bed for a couple minutes so you can have a few moments to yourself’.

Don’t forget about all the crying you are about to do.  Your hormones are the stuff of a daytime soap!  All the crying could easily win you the ‘Best Drama’ award at the Daytime Emmys!  Oh and the leaking.  EVERYTHING LEAKS!  Yeah, totally gross, but eh, it’s another reality.  Not only are you gross, your baby is gross and your partner is gross.  Everyone is trying to keep up with each other, running on fumes and adjusting to this new life; that’s a smell you don’t get rid of!  And don’t get me started on the Hollywood makeup/design disaster your body is going to look like….

This household had a horrid start as I was back in the hospital two weeks after giving birth due to a pretty nasty c-section infection.  (It truly was my fault as I tried to be the champion I warned you about and put way too much stress on my worn out body)  I had to have vacuum tubes surgically put in to my incision for a week; we were back in the hospital from a Tuesday-Saturday and Noah had to be my nurse when we got home and clean out my tubes until the following Tuesday when they were removed.

So, aftermath not really what you thought it would be?  Me neither!  Lucas may be my first child, but he was not the first kiddo I’ve watched, cared for or been around.  But, man, when they are yours and they are in your care 24/7/365, that, too, is a whole different beast.  I hear many first time moms state they have been around kiddos their whole life… WATCH OUT!  That will come around to bite you right on your rear.

While there was a lot of things I didn’t anticipate, I truly love being a mom; especially to Lucas.  Your child will be your perfect match.  While I was so tired, feeling gross, hungry and in some strange haze, I didn’t want to be anywhere else.  I wanted to be right there, tubes and all, giving Lucas all the love and attention he could ever want.  Sure, I was pretty beat up that I got a crying, colicky baby (hey, we tried the 5 S’s; I think we needed the doc himself for Lucas), but he was mine and he was Noah’s and he was ours.  Nothing could change that and we didn’t want it to change.  Don’t wish away any of this funky time.  It’s a miracle so many people dream of (shocking, right?!) and some cannot have on their own.  Love every moment and just absorb being a parent… CONGRATS AGAIN!

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A Mother’s Tale. Part 1: The Arrival

It’s amazing what information the internet shares about anything you can possibly think up.  I probably only notice this topic rising because I have Lucas, but wow, baby is on a lot of people’s brains!  Some hot topics: labor choices (before, during and after), baby care and values/disciplining.  I’m truly fascinated by what I’ve been reading in blogs, facebook posts and twitter posts.

I am truly loving how ‘back to the good ol’ days’ a lot of women are heading towards when it comes to the labor process.  A good deal of women are looking into home or water births and a lot want to skip the meds.  A lot of women are switching to midwives rather than doctors and a lot are developing their own birth plans.  Now here comes Chrystal’s take on that….

I was once that crazy.  I did at least stick to seeing a midwife, until a doctor had to intervene.  I wanted to avoid the meds and just power through it all as I understood I had a high pain tolerance.  I was no match for 13 hours of labor and hardly dilating.  It took a full 24 hours for Lucas to actually arrive, but 13 hours was spent battling scaring from a surgery that was to botch my chances of having Lucas. So after extreme exhaustion(yeah, I didn’t know what that was until there was Lucas) and thinking Lucas was going to rip me in half if I dilated or not, I finally gave in and went for the epidural.  Not apart of my birth plan, but boy was I happy and ready to push!  (They told me to just go to sleep as the show wasn’t going to happen that night… LAME!)  Now, 8 hours later, we wake up to a midwife informing me it was go time!  And just for the curious ones, yes, I had a lovely bowel movement in all of this.  It happens; bask in it as it’s the only time it will be ‘appropriate’ to do it in front of your partner.

Then Lucas was not recovering very well when it was time to push.  Ruh roh, here comes a doctor.  This doctor shows up after an hour and a half of me pushing and the midwife was looking pretty worried.  That wasn’t in my birth plan!  Neither were the 20 people who showed up in my room to sweep me away to the ER for an emergency c-section.  C-SECTION??!!  THAT WASN’T IN MY BIRTH PLAN AND NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS HAD ONE OF THOSE!!!  Now, as I lay on the table and I notice in the ridiculously bright surgical light over my head, I see what doesn’t even match a gory horror flick.  And I think to myself “I even considered having him at home?!  This looks like it could be a cow slaughter!  And as much as I love cleaning, I don’t want to clean THAT up”.   My birth plan had failed me and everything I had learned in all the classes hadn’t matched what I was going through.

The only thing that made all of this chaos wonderful was my man looking down at me and he had the most beautiful expression on his face that will never be matched.  Noah looked down at me (I’m sure he was ridiculously terrified) and he looked like he was ready for anything and he had everything under control.  See, Noah has had his fair share of time spent in a hospital with his kidney transplant so he had a better grip on the whole situation; this action plan freak was losing it!  And the split second before Lucas arrived into the world, I’ll never forget how crazy in love I was with Noah in just that moment.

We weren’t out of the woods yet.  Lucas arrives and he’s not crying.  Um, what?!  Where is this glorious ringing I’m supposed to hear?  Come to find out, from all the stress of labor, meconium was all over him and the nurses were holding him off from breathing so he wouldn’t get meconium aspiration.  Noah’s sister had this and she was in NICU for 2 months.  All of a sudden, I overhear someone talking to the NICU and they are whisking  him away to make sure he’s ok.  He was taken there for an hour and a half for monitoring, but Lucas was a-ok!  Even through all the pain, drugs, no birth plan working, no class practices working and a lovely trip back to the hospital 2 weeks later from a HORRIFIC c-section infection, Lucas is a super happy, healthy and smart little guy.

The lesson in this part of my series is that no matter the route you choose, it may not work and don’t beat yourself up over it.  I was afraid everything I was choosing in the heat of the moment was going to somehow hurt Lucas and I was dead wrong. I’m glad I opted for the hospital as even though I was considered ‘low-risk’, I turned ‘high-risk’ very quickly and was given immediate attention.  Obviously, every single person and every single birth experience is different (even within the same families), but I can only speak from my own experience.  I’m not here to ‘bash’ or ‘hate’ or ‘put down’ on anyone’s idea of what they think is the right route for them, I’m just offering up another ‘pamphlet’ or research tool for those who have not yet experienced giving birth.  It’s a whole different beast no one is ever ready to tackle.  And this post is not up for you to criticize my path.  If you have given birth before, you understand the plight I was put in to and you can only go off of what is set in front of you.

I want to say congrats to you if you are expecting as it’s the biggest miracle around!  I know as it took almost 5 years for our miracle to arrive.  That little one is going to be your greatest treasure and as their parent, you are the greatest being they will ever know so respect, appreciate and just love that little one as often as you can!  Lastly, your family is your greatest support team.  Do not overestimate that and absorb all the time you get with them and all the time they offer to help!

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He gets THAT from his father

It’s days like today that remind me Lucas comes from Noah. It’s days like today that made me wish I wasn’t afraid of hangovers while caring for a baby. It’s just one of those days.

Some people call these ‘Mondays’, but today is Wednesday. Seeing as how I’m apart of the couple that defines ‘Murphy’s Law’, I really shouldn’t be surprised days like today find me. I finally get a day where I can really lounge around the house: no where to be, no projects to work on, I probably could have just stayed in my pajama pants. But it seems Noah’s son figured out I wanted to finally just let my mind be at ease and he whipped out his vocal chords. And not in a fun, giggling, babbling way, but in the ‘I HATE THIS WORLD AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE MAKING ME GO THROUGH’ kind of way. Yep, the way that if I whipped out my vocal chords like that, someone would call SWAT and I would be on King 5 Breaking News pacing through our cul-de-sac like a gorilla from the looney tunes.

This mama hit a wall today. Poor Lucas was just having a day and we couldn’t do anything to make it right. I haven’t dealt with one of these days since his colic phase, but boy am I glad those are over. See, I’m an HSP ( highly sensitive person ). I get so over stimulated and just hit a wall then explode. Today made all my nerves go CRASH BOOM BANG and I was all sorts of cranky. Luckily, I still have it together enough that I can wait for the meltdown to occur once Lucas hits the hay. But I tell you, 6pm could not come quick enough! But why I say ‘he gets that from his father’ is because of the button-pushing that was occurring.

Noah is a habitual button-pusher. He knows what really gets under my skin and if he’s cranky enough with me, he’ll go for the buttons. It seemed like Lucas was like that today and out for blood. I’m already pretty emotional as my milk supply has been slowing down (way down) and I’m having to consider giving him formula. I understand a lot of moms go the formula route, but that wasn’t the way I wanted and I was dead set against it. This last month has proved my breastfeeding days are over and it crushed me as both a mom and a woman. Noah and Lucas’ pediatrician have been cranky with me about stepping up feedings, but I just can’t put Lucas through the frustration he goes through when I just can’t give him enough. Lucas definitely seemed like he wanted fed from me and I just couldn’t give him what he wanted. Every time I gave him formula, he would spit it out at me. He was eating the solids I gave him, but he seemed to be doing it and gritting his two front teeth at me.

Days like today have me going upstairs for seclusion and feeling like a failure. While a great deal of people I know get to go to sleep and move on to a new day, I don’t get the sleep needed to just go ‘dirt off my shoulders’. I have to keep choking on the same fumes and man is it ever lame. But every day, I get up and do the mom/housewife duties over and over again. I often wonder why I keep doing it. Why don’t I just put Lucas in day care and go back to work? I don’t do that because I always wanted this life. I want to be the domestic goddess, the mom who will have afternoon snacks that has all the kids in our yard, the wife my husband dreams he would come home to. Not that being a working mom wouldn’t tally up to all those things, but I just wouldn’t achieve them the way I want to. I stick through all the button-pushing, screaming till I want to stick a hot poker through my ears and dried up boobs for this very moment….

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