Category Archives: Ah, joys of a newlywed

Yeah yeah husband schmusband

It’s an easy life being married, you know?  Aaahahahahaa, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.  I’m 29, married and I’m a mom.  When the hell did that happen?!  Last time I checked, I was living the high life of a casual relationship, ok-paying job and parties that only ended at closing time.  I had no clue that by the age of 30, I would find myself living the glamorous life of stay at home mom, wife and part time worker.

I never take it for granted as it’s many a’ woman’s dream to do what I do, but some days, I’m not all that thrilled.  The being a mom to a toddler part is awesome and horrible all at the same time, but I wouldn’t change it.  The really big challenge in life is staying in love with the one person I got to pick to be in my life: the spouse.  I often wonder what conned me into a life of smiling, hugging, kissing, fighting, ignoring and loving this Noah guy.  He’s an alright guy but why him?

A lot of people pick someone who ends up being like someone they know and trust within their family or friends but Noah was like no noah and meone else.  He didn’t talk much, but when he did, I ate up every word.  We argued and said horrible things to each other, but nothing that ever pushed each other away permanently (obviously).  He means well to every one he meets and he is the most loyal friend you could ever ask for.  He respects me as a friend, a confidante, his wife, the mother to his child and overall, a human being.  He’s an excellent provider and always has our family’s best interest at heart.  We may seem awkward and uninterested in each other in public, but behind closed doors, we aren’t that put off by each other. 😉

While we argue, we never go to sleep angry.  We find our ways to effectively communicate and it will never be anything that makes sense to anyone else.  It’s kind of like twin sibling language.  He will always be my soul mate even when I feel like he could use a swift kick in the pants.  I try to remember that in all the bad times, they do not compare to all the good we have accomplished together.  Never forget how important your partner is as they will always be apart of your heart and soul.  Even in the sad days, angry days, happy days, yoga pants/not feeling so hot days, pushing out a child days or even the days of holding each other’s head over a toilet, there is nothing more important or supportive in your life than the one you got to pick to have in your life: husband schmusband.

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I need to invest in what I already have

It came to me today like a meteor hitting Earth (we all know it’s going to happen; we will go the way of the dinosaurs 😉 ).  After shopping a slew of people to get a grown up outing, I tend to forget I have another adult in my house.  Noah has never been one to drink at home unless we were having a get together.  Not certain why but maybe it’s for the best; Chrystal has not been too reliable in the past in the responsibility department.

As many know, Noah and I are not the picture perfect couple.  We are rolling with Henry and Alice Mitchell now but before we were definitely Sid and Nancy (this is no joke).  I think that since I got used to close to a decade of this behavior, there are still traces of it in my logic.  I used to live on everyone else’s outings besides building time with Noah.  Now that we have to be home with Lucas all the time (trust me, it’s not that bad, but a break every so often is nice), I want to build back on why we kept sticking it out with each other and eventually finding it in us to get married.  I remember telling my cousin over our Indiana Christmas trip that I don’t know how Noah and I are together as we never really had a ‘falling in love’ story, we were merely victims of circumstance.  She said something that just blew me away; ‘That’s how it is, man.  That’s how it happens’.  MIND….BLOWN!  She was right, that’s exactly how it is.  Everyone says if you let them go and they come back to you, it was meant to be.  We are proof of such a phrase.

We are slowly going down a slippery slope and I need to get us out (as since when are men the ones to initiate anything, right?!).  We are falling down the comfortable road; he has to be in his office often for work, but really he just keeps finding new computer games; I get addicted to a new show on Netflix or Antenna TV and I’m in my sweats by 6:30pm; we go to bed at 9:15, kiss each other and roll over.  You would think once the newness of parenthood dusted off, we would be ready to invest in ‘us’ time again.  WRONG!  You are just glad to get sleep and ‘you’ time away from your child who is pissed about his struggle with independence.  I’m pretty certain children is why marriage counseling was started.  You just don’t know how your marriage fits once you have a child.  This is pretty much why we are good with one; we are still semi-selfish when it comes to our marriage and to us, inserting another child is just another batch of selfishness we are not wanting to give up.  It takes certain kinds of parents to handle multiples and we are not those people.

So I think now, since I can’t get people to invest in me as their friend, I’ll just start shopping babysitters.  They tend to be more giving with their time since you pay them.  Babysitters are cheaper than marriage counselors, right?  This awkward friend concept also had me talking with Noah over the weekend about a move out of the PNW.  Noah and I just never found our niche with people here and I know a great many reasons why.  We discussed how his job could work it out, when that could happen and when would be best for our family as a whole.  We will not be returning to Indiana, but we will be closer to there.  I breathed a great sigh of relief to know that I won’t be doing the ‘dating scene for friends’ thing forever.  My doc told me that finding friends is just like dating, it takes forever to find people worth investing time in.

Until that time, I’ll just make ‘friends’ out of babysitters and invest in being a grown up woman again with my husband.

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Ch..Ch..Ch..Ch..Changes

Do you ever wish you could find a way to keep your eyes from blinking so you don’t miss the life that’s passing by?  Every day seems to be a realization that I’m progressing forward at such a rapid rate and I’m not really sure how I feel about it sometimes.  While I’m so excited that Buddy is moving on to toddlerhood, I’m just blown away by where Noah and I are in life.  We are married, he has a very successful/stable career, we are home owners, we talk about health/life/home/car insurance regularly, I’m a stay at home mom, I ENJOY grocery shopping, we are working on home improvements, we attend church services and functions regularly and we don’t go out partying much anymore.  While I no longer know who we are since we evolved so rapidly, I’m growing more fond of us every day.

I love me, us, our family and the thought of us being ‘The Marners’.  While the time to get to this point was not exactly smooth sailing, it built a lot of character in us and that’s what you have to take those kinds of times for.  I can’t get over how pumped I am about painting this weekend.  Um, what?!  I will inform you, this is my first time ever painting.  Noah and I never painted anything (except for the bar I cleaned up) and from what I’ve heard, this is definitely either a marriage builder or breaker.  We’ve had a lot of character building in the past year so eh, what can a little painting do?

If someone who reads this figures out the ‘keeping the eyes open’ thing, I’m really interested.  Particularly DIY-style as I’m mega cheap.  Again, I’m looking for any of your tips in regards to painting walls, painting trim, painting cabinets, applying mosaic back splash and putting up pre-treated wood fences.  I will always be a DIY-er so the more the tips apply that way, the more excited I’m going to be!

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It takes a village, not just in raising your child

When you get married, you have this blissful ‘newlywed’ stage.  Well, most of the human race does.  I guess I had just been with Noah for so long that after the first week, it was business as usual.  While I do get a little more pitter patter in my heart when I call Noah ‘my husband’ now, I guess I sometimes take for granted the harmonious wavelength we are on.  While we weren’t always such a yin yang, we finally found our niche.  Shockingly, we really like being parents together.  I guess since we did our relationship ‘out of order’ by moving in together rapidly, moving across the country together rapidly, becoming home owners, becoming parents and THEN getting married, we found out we wanted the kiddo factor before getting married (not recommended in all situations, just happened to work for us).

How many times have you heard the phrase ‘It takes a village to….’?  Probably quite frequently as it is really tried and true.  Raising a child is not always easy and neither is having a successful marriage.  You truly need those around you who support the idea of marriage and even more specifically, your marriage, to make your vows last through and through.  You may have to realign some people and situations in your life to make this work, but if you are as committed as you said during your vows, this should not be so tough.  The reason for all the (positive) influence is so that in heated times, you have some clearer eyes to see something you are missing.  Same reason it’s important to listen to those around you who have children while you are in the newborn blur.  You will never have 20/20 vision in highly-emotional times and if you overreact, the mean fireworks are never good. (They are not as pretty as a well choreographed grand finale, but in YOUR mind, you’ve probably shown up The Chinese New Year.)

While it may not be your favorite idea to listen to those who have walked the line before you and it may not be exactly be what you would do, at least take it in like an informative brochure.  You might not need it now, but man, when the 9.0 quake hits, you’ll be ready.  Just know that just because everything may currently be smooth sailing, there may come a time when the world shifts around you and makes things very unpleasant.  Have that foundation and support around you and you will get through the shaky time quickly and be a better, more reliable couple after that.  It’s the least you can do for that thousands of dollar tab you two rang up celebrating this union, yeah?  In the spirit of Easter, hop to it!

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There is no perfect

When I was little, I was never one of those little girls who played with my barbies and thought ‘When I get married…” WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.  I’ll stop me right there.  That line never even happened.  I never discussed with myself or any of my friends (imaginary or real) that I daydreamed about married life.  Not really sure why, but no, it was never a topic.  To be honest, I really DID NOT think I was going to get married.  I didn’t exactly come from a long line of happily married folks so that definitely did not catapult me into the ‘wedding daydreaming’ stratosphere.

I was fooled by some mythological belief that marriage is really only making any relationship ‘special and verified’ by some nice stock piece of paper.  (It actually comes on a piece of copy paper with a notary stamp on it.)  I was not going to give in to this belief and I was going to just be happy with Noah and I kicking it bf/gf style for however long until we needed each other for retirement benefits.  Sad logic, I know, but I think I was more fearful of making Noah feel tied down to me (come on, I’m not exactly the easiest person to be with and in recent years, I haven’t been too easy on the eyes).  We haven’t been the idol couple (is there such a thing?) ever in our years together, but eh, I wasn’t shooting for any Nobel Peace Prize either.

But what I came to terms with was we weren’t going to be and didn’t need to be anything perfect.  We just needed to need and love each other; we were definitely full of that!  So after Lucas shoved us through 9 months of rehab and 2 months of getting some sort of idea of getting out of the newborn fog, we came to terms with what we were now and what we needed to be.  We needed to commit to each other fully for us now as a family and to our son.  Yep, we got married.  And for all of you people who are still on that side of the fence saying ‘Oh, it’s just a piece of paper, we don’t need it to change our relationship to validate it’, guess what?!  Marriage isn’t a parking pass you get stamped at the restaurant; it’s actually a beautiful sign to each other of love and commitment you have.  If you fear marriage or have a bad taste in your mouth about any idea of a significant other, get some help!  You are missing out.

I didn’t realize how awesome it was until I was married.  Noah is amazing and he truly is the perfect fit to me as neither of us are easy to get along with but we put up with each other’s crap and we make each other smile.  Most importantly, we bond so much as parents (it’s pretty cool to watch us).  Lucas will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to us as he made us realize how awesome being married to each other is.  Now I’m not saying find some random person, skip to LV and throw down at the Little Chapel of Bells.  You truly have to invest in each other, push each other’s buttons and make a meal together.  And don’t base your ‘image’ or your feelings on what you think is the perfect couple; you’ll only make yourself miserable.  Invest in knowing your strengths and weaknesses and what you bring to the table, understand that of your significant other.  Stick it out for THE ONE, folks… It does happen!

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Stand by your man

And I did just that.  I knew one day I would find myself taking care of my husband in a great time of need, but I thought a) it would be when it was time for his next kidney transplant and b) it would be later in life; not before he was 30.  But we are the Murphy’s Law couple and we keep putting that to the ultimate test.

A little over 3 weeks ago, my son got a pretty nasty cold and passed it on to me.  Once I was over it, we thought it has completely missed my husband.  Boy were we ever wrong!  Apparently we had contracted a virus called CMV.  For most people with a normal immune system, this lovely thing causes minimal symptoms or even just goes dormant.  But for people like Noah with a suppressed immune system, it wreaks MASSIVE havoc on you and you end up in the hospital taking meds that have to be given to you through a midline and come in chemotherapy bags.  Yeah, it’s been an interesting week of caring for my husband in a hospital while sadly dropping my son off with different people every day.  Lucas did GREAT with each and every person and that was the greatest thing I could ask for.

A lot of people kept mentioning how stressed I must be or worn out I must feel.  I didn’t feel any of that.  My husband needed medical help; I didn’t think twice about getting him that.  In fact, I really didn’t think much about what I was doing.  I just wanted the man I love to not be in the pain he was in so I did EVERYTHING I could to make him comfortable.  The only thing that really tore me up was not having daily interaction with our son as a family.  I hurt every morning and every night when I was only spending an hour at a time with our son while I was spending 12 hours a day at a hospital getting my husband to try and mend and driving up and down the dreaded 405 S-curve.  I just wanted my family as a whole again.

Finally, a week after my husband was admitted to the hospital, he was released and I brought him home after an extensive training regarding his at home care and administering his meds.  It was the one wish I wanted for my birthday and I find myself tearing up just thinking that at 27, turning 28, I had grown into this wife and mom who could care less about what I actually DID on my birthday; I just wanted my family to be with me.  I will always stand by my men as they make me the best ‘me’….

My greatest treasures

 

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“To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.”

(The title quote is from Simone de Beauvoir)

I never really had any concept as to what a husband would be like.  I don’t believe in fairy tales and I don’t believe in making up my ideas based on other people’s lives.  So, again, no concept.  When it came down to putting a serious ‘title’ to Noah and I, that just was NOT going to happen.  Why?  Because neither of us wanted to get hurt.

We both had our falling outs in love and just wanted nothing to do with the word.  But misery loves company.  Our relationship for a very long time was a series of circumstances.  Circumstances kept us together.  But what neither of us understood was that was the way the universe works.  Circumstances (or as I like to believe, God’s plan) put the right people together.  Yet, our circumstances were not fun.

We had a rocky go at it for years.  Mostly fueled by alcohol, but we weren’t too worried.  Twenty-something seems to have a drinking stigma to it.  Not a good one, but we weren’t going to judge or change it.  When the day came that we found out Lucas was on his way, we decided (after letting weeks go by to let the news sink in) to finally own up to being in love.  We always knew we were, but we are not that great at sharing these sorts of things.

I never really thought about what the actual ‘falling in love’ was going to be like, but wow, when it happened, it hit me like a drunk girl thinking I was hitting on her man (just not so bitter).  I felt like I had come out of a dizzying fog and there was this glow around Noah and he was going to make everything right.  All my thoughts suddenly made sense and being with Noah seemed so effortless.

It’s not always roses and rainbows; being in love and being married is a job.  You really do have to work at it, but it’s a job you both are willing to work at.  We’ve only been married for little less than 7 months, but we’ve been together for a good number of years.  Marriage was definitely like that job offer you’ve wanted since you knew what you wanted to do with your life.  I somehow knew domestic life was a right fit for me and Noah is able to give that to us as a family.

If I have to share anything in all of this, it’s be sure to hold out for the right partner.  No matter your beliefs, sexual orientation, or race, love will indeed be effortless and it will feel a lot better than getting hit by some drunken weirdo 😉 .