Monthly Archives: March 2012

Thank You to Our Readers

I can’t say thank you enough to all of you awesome people who take time to read/listen to our blog and you keep coming back for more!  We are about to hit 500 views on this site and I’m so honored!  I hope our material has been fun, informative, and quite assorted for everyone’s taste.  I look forward to sharing more with all of you and please feel free to always give feedback!

Many Thanks from The Marners!

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This mama has a copy cat-Momodcast

I actually don’t talk much about my kiddo this time… i-Tunes user or non i-Tunes user

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So I’m a mother to an 11 month old copy cat

I always wanted to be a mom; some people have it in them, some people do not.  I always hid my intentions as I didn’t think it would ever happen to us.  Then, almost a year ago,  I went through what I thought was going to be the worst of it.  Yeah right!  Giving birth is the easiest part!  Last time I checked, that, too, was never mentioned in any class, parenting book or from one of those moms that doesn’t hesitate to share how her child is excelling in everything your child is not.  But, then just as quickly as this all began, I woke up from the blur and I have this awesome little dude who talks back to me.

Now he’s almost walking on his own, he ‘repeats’ everything we say and he has more sass than most people I know!  He’s a beautiful blend of my husband and I.  11 months ago, I never thought we would be here.  And I’m actually sad that his cuddly baby days are numbered.  But I was right when I said ‘Noah & I are not baby people; we are toddler people’.  I’m really excited to move on to that chapter with Lucas.  While I loved nurturing and being a watchful new mom, I’m ready to explore this world from a toddler’s perspective.  I know some parents pride themselves in ‘helicopter parenting’; sorry, not I, my friend.  While I want to put Lucas in a bubble so he doesn’t keep infecting my husband and I with bizarre viruses and hospitalizing us, I really want him to see the world for all it has to offer, good and bad.

Lucas Jay, I want you to know that while you were the greatest grief I’ve ever experienced in so many ways, you are and will always be the pride and joy we hoped you would be!  While there are a couple things I could mention that would disappoint your father and I if you ever did (I don’t want to even put them in your head), I hope you know that your father and I will always be proud of you and support you.  It’s what we do as parents!  We can’t wait to celebrate with you and all our friends and family in a month the year long journey you have experienced.  While I know it wasn’t perfect, we will never be someone’s idea of perfect, but dang it!  we have always been so happy!  You just keep being your awesome self, man!

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Why all the negativity, man?

Now, I haven’t always been the most positive sunshine around, but I’ve been redeeming myself little by little.  I don’t feel like I’m turning over a new leaf, but I’m returning to a better place in my life.  I’m putting more people in my life who are positive, light and really aim high in life.  I pick these people as I not only want these things for myself, but for my husband and my son.

I guess since I’m pressing forward in life on a positive note, I seem to notice a lot of negativity.  I don’t know if I’ve cleared my mind and eyes so much that I notice it more, but wow, I just feel awful that some people see the world and people in it in such a negative way.  So a question comes to mind: when you feel any negative thought, feeling or action arising, do you let it wreak havoc or do you proactively try to put a stop to it?  What a lot of people miss is all thoughts, feelings and actions (both positive and negative) begin with you and you determine how they will play out.

I’ve recently been doing some study regarding Three Simple Rules: Do No Harm, Do Good and Stay in Love with God.  Now while the third rule may not apply to you, the first two should resound within all people.  These should apply between families, friends, neighbors, co-workers and even nations.  While some of these groups may seem large scale, fixing them starts on a small scale; fixing such negativity begins with one person, you!

I really felt like I had returned to this better place when two things happened this week: I saw in my medical notes (that only doctors are to see; I think it’s the section where doctors warn/inform each other of a patient) that when I was in Urgent Care on my birthday, the doctor who was working with me noted that I was a ‘VERY PLEASANT’ 28 year old female.  And then this past Sunday at church as I walked away from greeting a fellow member, she leaned over to another member and said how sweet I was.  I finally felt like I was on the right track in life, that I was making positive waves around me.  I don’t know how anyone would want to miss out on making a positive influence in each other’s lives.

Now I challenge you this week and from now on, when you feel negativity arise, separate yourself from it and be proactive about making it positive.  Always remember, you have the power within you to make your life and those around you a much better, pleasant and positive experience.  While you might create some waves, they will definitely be good!

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This mama gabs from her own space-Momodcasts

I dish while eating Girl Scout cookies in my new me space! iTunes user or non-iTunes user

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You are never alone

This is taking a lot out of me to write about this topic, but I feel someone out there needs this and it’s been beating me up for a while.  It’s, unfortunately, becoming too common in our society and it’s important to share the story and the recovery that follows (I’m already tearing up).  I will start with a disclaimer: as much as this family member hurt me and broke me, the rest of my family brought me from the bottomless pit and saved me.  This is what a true family is all about.

Think back to when you were 5 years old.  What were you doing then?  Probably playing with toys, make believe, running wild through parks and your neighborhood, reading silly books, coloring or learning to make friends.  While I had a lot of these similar experiences, I had one experience that would continue for the next 6 years of my life and would be a great family secret for so long.  I was being sexually abused by a family member.

When I was little, it was probably easy for him to manipulate me and tell himself what he was doing was ok as long as he wasn’t getting caught.  He wasn’t getting caught because he was bribing me, telling me I was wrong for thinking it was bad, telling me everyone will be mad at me if I say something and all the other lies and bribes you may have heard or seen.  Ages 5-11 is a vulnerable state in so many ways and this person took advantage of all of them from me.  He would take me away into random rooms at family get together’s and tell everyone we were going to read or play a game.  I look back on it now and I don’t think I will ever allow a child to leave with an adult with those words; those phrases have forever damaged me.

I’ll never forget the night I finally broke down and I told my mother.  My parents were already divorced by this point and my dad was actually living with his family, and this contained ‘the bad guy’.  I remember coming home to my mom after a weekend with my dad and my whole being was tired from everything that man was doing to me and telling me.  I told my mom and I’ll never forget the look of disbelief and feeling like she let me down.  Reminder, my family didn’t let me down and I never felt that way; nobody knew and how could they know?  After my mom got me calmed down and to sleep, she called my father and explained to him what was going on.  My father was FURIOUS!  He sat every one down in that house and confronted ‘the bad guy’.  ‘The bad guy’ didn’t deny it (I was actually pretty shocked to hear this) and he left immediately.  Nobody in my family questioned me (at least not to my face) and got me help right away.

As bad as that situation was, my family was just so supportive of me coming forward, getting help and letting me know I was never wrong and they would do everything they could to make me feel right and whole again.  At 11 years old, you don’t really know what that is but you just want to feel like it will never happen again.  It wasn’t until I started seeing a therapist again that I realized how grown up I was and still am regarding what happened to me.  There are still phrases and situations that put me back into that time, but for the most part, I’ve made peace that it is over, at least for me.

If you or someone you know is or has dealt with this situation, please get help!  The brainwashing engulfs you so much, you may feel bad to get help or like no one will understand or help you.  I will help you, a friend or family member will help you, and there are safe places to go.  Just know, you are never alone…

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There is no perfect

When I was little, I was never one of those little girls who played with my barbies and thought ‘When I get married…” WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.  I’ll stop me right there.  That line never even happened.  I never discussed with myself or any of my friends (imaginary or real) that I daydreamed about married life.  Not really sure why, but no, it was never a topic.  To be honest, I really DID NOT think I was going to get married.  I didn’t exactly come from a long line of happily married folks so that definitely did not catapult me into the ‘wedding daydreaming’ stratosphere.

I was fooled by some mythological belief that marriage is really only making any relationship ‘special and verified’ by some nice stock piece of paper.  (It actually comes on a piece of copy paper with a notary stamp on it.)  I was not going to give in to this belief and I was going to just be happy with Noah and I kicking it bf/gf style for however long until we needed each other for retirement benefits.  Sad logic, I know, but I think I was more fearful of making Noah feel tied down to me (come on, I’m not exactly the easiest person to be with and in recent years, I haven’t been too easy on the eyes).  We haven’t been the idol couple (is there such a thing?) ever in our years together, but eh, I wasn’t shooting for any Nobel Peace Prize either.

But what I came to terms with was we weren’t going to be and didn’t need to be anything perfect.  We just needed to need and love each other; we were definitely full of that!  So after Lucas shoved us through 9 months of rehab and 2 months of getting some sort of idea of getting out of the newborn fog, we came to terms with what we were now and what we needed to be.  We needed to commit to each other fully for us now as a family and to our son.  Yep, we got married.  And for all of you people who are still on that side of the fence saying ‘Oh, it’s just a piece of paper, we don’t need it to change our relationship to validate it’, guess what?!  Marriage isn’t a parking pass you get stamped at the restaurant; it’s actually a beautiful sign to each other of love and commitment you have.  If you fear marriage or have a bad taste in your mouth about any idea of a significant other, get some help!  You are missing out.

I didn’t realize how awesome it was until I was married.  Noah is amazing and he truly is the perfect fit to me as neither of us are easy to get along with but we put up with each other’s crap and we make each other smile.  Most importantly, we bond so much as parents (it’s pretty cool to watch us).  Lucas will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to us as he made us realize how awesome being married to each other is.  Now I’m not saying find some random person, skip to LV and throw down at the Little Chapel of Bells.  You truly have to invest in each other, push each other’s buttons and make a meal together.  And don’t base your ‘image’ or your feelings on what you think is the perfect couple; you’ll only make yourself miserable.  Invest in knowing your strengths and weaknesses and what you bring to the table, understand that of your significant other.  Stick it out for THE ONE, folks… It does happen!

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This Mama is hurting-Momodcasts

I break down on several different topics… iTunes listener or non-iTunes listener

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It takes more out of me than you might think

For the longest time in my life, I’ve been tormented by what feels like anxiety, depression, overwhelmed, frazzled, explosive and like I’m hitting a wall.  I just felt crazy.  Not in the ‘ha ha’ way, but in the ‘I feel alone and should probably be committed’ sort of way.  So for years, I made myself and everyone close to me miserable.  I lost a lot of friends and shunned a lot of people because I just didn’t think they got what I was going through.  After having Lucas, I just couldn’t get through a day without feeling crippled by fear and anxiety.  I finally got help…

I talked with my PCP and she said it was time to see a behavioral specialist aka a therapist.  I go weekly to just vent over what I fret about and maybe if anything in my subconscious has led me to be overwhelmed and overstimulated by every day life.  Come to find out I have a lovely condition known as HSP ( highly sensitive person ).  I process all events, emotions and every day tasks with such intensity that I tend to flood my brain, nerves, emotions and overall sanity.  I can become explosive and irrational if I can’t take time to decompress and isolate myself from what is overwhelming me.  I feel like I am cornered sometimes if I can’t reach a calm place to decompress.

I speak of this as I know there are a lot of people out there that suffer and what can hurt them is getting no or the wrong kind of help.  There is no ‘cure’ for it and nothing to immediately calm you.  You just have to learn to pace your days and when you have a highly stressful or emotional day, you have to learn how to seclude yourself.  Meds will not help so don’t wander down a path full of pills.  My ‘cure’ for a while was to booze up and that just made things worse.  I thought drinking was sedating and relaxing, but really it was just postponing and bottling up the problem.

HSP isn’t all bad; it can also give you insight to many situations.  You can enjoy art and the outdoors more deeply; same goes for music.  You can also pick up on subliminal messages in most situations, but that can also hurt an experience if someone isn’t enjoying it like you hoped.

I highly recommend reading up on the topic if you think you need help, but I really recommend seeing a therapist as they can guide you to understand how to handle and cope with the tough times.  I have good days and bad days, but the good days are growing more than the bad ones.  I’ve also started working more on creating a routine in my life so I know what to expect more of my days, rather than just winging it.  Routine and structure really help!

If you have any questions or are wondering if this applies to you, please feel free to send me an email or leave a comment and I can get you some tools and resources.

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IMBHO… My Mommy Style

It’s difficult for me to watch/read the news, especially when it applies to children.  Not always what is happening to the children, but the great disservice many parents are doing.   What I mean is these parents not giving the children the support, discipline, guidance, values and morals they need from a parent.  Or maybe they coddle or ‘beat around the bush’ when it comes to just being a parent.  If you are going to have a child, you shape all aspects of them and you need to keep that in mind when you bring a life into the world.

I, for one, am against coddling.  I am direct with both my husband and our son.  I don’t want Lucas to be confused on what to expect from me or Noah or what is expected of him in any scenario he concocts.   Now, I love my son and he gets tons of my attention, but I rarely baby talk him (I usually use that to patronize him, that’s just a ‘me’ thing, folks) and I’m always blunt about everything that is going on, what he should be doing, what I’m doing, etc.  I let my son be a kid, but I don’t let him do whatever he wants.  He gets structure from the jump.

Why people shy away from being direct with their children I’ll never understand.  I am a believer in a great deal of society’s moral and value issues stemming from lack of involved parenting.  I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND that society is very busy bodied and always on the run, but that should never be a reason as to why you are not involved in your child’s life.  While it takes a village to raise a child, you, the parent, are the village leader; don’t be the village idiot when it comes to being the parent of your child.

Being a parent is not easy!  But it’s not hard either.  It’s a lot of using your gut or common sense and going with the love you have for your child.  And if you can’t be selfless, you are in the wrong business, my dear.  While I’m embracing some liberal beliefs, I still stick true to some conservative beliefs when it comes to the rearing of my child.  I’m pretty certain I was probably married to John Wayne in my past life; if that gives you some idea as to how life goes around this house.

I don’t expect anyone or everyone to agree with how I parent and I don’t always agree with your parenting style, BUT I FIRMLY do not agree with parents who just let their children do what they want or let them run their own lives.  Children (and some adults) are just not capable of running their own lives and need our guidance.   Be sure you are giving your children the greatest advantage in life and that’s by being a parent, not a friend.

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