It’s days like today that remind me Lucas comes from Noah. It’s days like today that made me wish I wasn’t afraid of hangovers while caring for a baby. It’s just one of those days.
Some people call these ‘Mondays’, but today is Wednesday. Seeing as how I’m apart of the couple that defines ‘Murphy’s Law’, I really shouldn’t be surprised days like today find me. I finally get a day where I can really lounge around the house: no where to be, no projects to work on, I probably could have just stayed in my pajama pants. But it seems Noah’s son figured out I wanted to finally just let my mind be at ease and he whipped out his vocal chords. And not in a fun, giggling, babbling way, but in the ‘I HATE THIS WORLD AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE MAKING ME GO THROUGH’ kind of way. Yep, the way that if I whipped out my vocal chords like that, someone would call SWAT and I would be on King 5 Breaking News pacing through our cul-de-sac like a gorilla from the looney tunes.
This mama hit a wall today. Poor Lucas was just having a day and we couldn’t do anything to make it right. I haven’t dealt with one of these days since his colic phase, but boy am I glad those are over. See, I’m an HSP ( highly sensitive person ). I get so over stimulated and just hit a wall then explode. Today made all my nerves go CRASH BOOM BANG and I was all sorts of cranky. Luckily, I still have it together enough that I can wait for the meltdown to occur once Lucas hits the hay. But I tell you, 6pm could not come quick enough! But why I say ‘he gets that from his father’ is because of the button-pushing that was occurring.
Noah is a habitual button-pusher. He knows what really gets under my skin and if he’s cranky enough with me, he’ll go for the buttons. It seemed like Lucas was like that today and out for blood. I’m already pretty emotional as my milk supply has been slowing down (way down) and I’m having to consider giving him formula. I understand a lot of moms go the formula route, but that wasn’t the way I wanted and I was dead set against it. This last month has proved my breastfeeding days are over and it crushed me as both a mom and a woman. Noah and Lucas’ pediatrician have been cranky with me about stepping up feedings, but I just can’t put Lucas through the frustration he goes through when I just can’t give him enough. Lucas definitely seemed like he wanted fed from me and I just couldn’t give him what he wanted. Every time I gave him formula, he would spit it out at me. He was eating the solids I gave him, but he seemed to be doing it and gritting his two front teeth at me.
Days like today have me going upstairs for seclusion and feeling like a failure. While a great deal of people I know get to go to sleep and move on to a new day, I don’t get the sleep needed to just go ‘dirt off my shoulders’. I have to keep choking on the same fumes and man is it ever lame. But every day, I get up and do the mom/housewife duties over and over again. I often wonder why I keep doing it. Why don’t I just put Lucas in day care and go back to work? I don’t do that because I always wanted this life. I want to be the domestic goddess, the mom who will have afternoon snacks that has all the kids in our yard, the wife my husband dreams he would come home to. Not that being a working mom wouldn’t tally up to all those things, but I just wouldn’t achieve them the way I want to. I stick through all the button-pushing, screaming till I want to stick a hot poker through my ears and dried up boobs for this very moment….